Naruto and the Holy Jutsu
by Rabid Walrus Fairy
Summary: [sasunaru and other yaoi pairings] The Naruto cast in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Yaoi and stupid jokes ensue.
1. Chapter 1

**Naruto and the Holy Jutsu**

_By The Rabid Toenail and The Great Homicidal Walrus Fairy_

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto, nor do we own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, because then we would be millionaires and we'd also be Japanese and English at the same time... and that would be odd.

Also, Naruto has a katana for some reason. Wait, there is a reason. Because I SAY SO.

Naruto "rode" boldly forward, his trusty servant Sakura trailing closely behind, banging two coconuts together to produce a sound similar to that of beating hooves. He was eventually able to discern the shape of a castle through the heavy fog; he and Sakura approached it cautiously. Naruto peered up at the tower, seeing two ninjas standing together.

"I am Naruto, the Hokage of Konoha Village! I have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of brave ninjas to bring back to my ANBU at Konoha!"

The two ninjas stared down at Naruto, with Sakura at his side. "You haven't been riding; you've no horses! You're just banging two coconut halves together!"

Naruto looked at the two coconut halves. "So? I have ridden the length and breadth–"

"Besides, coconuts don't grow in temperate zones. The coconut's tropical!"

"Sparrows fly south for the winter and rabbits frolic only in the springtime, yet these are not strangers to the fire country."

" Do you mock the_ clown society? _Do you suggest that coconuts migrate?"

"...No. They could be carried... by a swallow," Naruto murmured deviously, giving a sly smirk.

"A swallow couldn't carry a coconut."

"Yes– he could grip it by the husk."

"It's not a matter of where he grips it– it's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird cannot carry a one-pound coconut!"

"Perhaps if two swallows carried it together..." the ninja beside him suggested.

"Well, maybe if they strung it together with a line..." the other conceded.

Naruto gave a heavy sigh, attributing this loss to the blatant stupidity of the two ninjas. He skipped nimbly away, Sakura following behind him with the coconuts.

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"Always so pretty

In love with Zabuza

Acupuncturist?" Haku recited, pushing a cart burdened with corpses of dead ninjas down the street.

"If you are dead, then come for a ride on my cart! Playing with dead people causes a fluttering in my heart!"

Zabuza approached, Gatô slung over his shoulder. He dropped the old man on the cart with a loud thump.

"I'm not dead yet!" the man squeaked.

Haku turned to Zabuza. "He says he's not dead yet."

"He's lying, obviously." He stared pointedly at the old man, nudging his body with his foot. "See? He's so dead, he's not alive anymore."

"I'm not dead! I could... I could run a marathon _right now_!" Gatô puffed. "My pacemaker never holds me back!"

"You're not fooling anyone, old man," Zabuza said. "Look, can't you take him now?"

"Only the dead go on the cart," Haku replied stolidly.

"Well, when will you be back?"

"Next Thursday."

Zabuza gave the pretty boy a pleading look. "He'll be rotten by then. That's_ totally _bad for sanitation... and the environment!"

Haku gave the man an appraising glance. After a moment he smiled sweetly and threw acupuncture needles at the back of the old man's head. He crumpled and Zabuza gratefully heaved him onto the cart.

"Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a girl?" Zabuza asked, smirking.

"Umm... yes. I get that quite a lot."

"Well,_ I_ think you look quite manly."

Haku's eyes lit up. "I love you!" he yelled, pouncing on Zabuza. The two fell to the ground just as Naruto and Sakura walked by.

"Who's that?" Zabuza asked suddenly.

Haku looked up at the blonde-haired man. "Must be the Hokage."

Zabuza sat up; Haku jumped in his lap, wrapping his arms around the man's neck. "Why do you say that?"

"He's got an entourage," Haku explained, gesturing to the pink-haired girl.

"One person isn't an entourage!"

Haku glared. "Just shut up and kiss me."

Zabuza happily obliged.

(h)(o)(l)(y)

"Excuse me, Old Female-type Person! I am the Hokage of Konoha! Can you please tell me who the lord of this castle is?"

Naruto had continued to ride past the strange town, only to find a castle. Curious, he had decided to ask around to find out who the lord was. He saw an old woman pulling along a cart, and had decided to ask her for details.

"Man."

"What?"

"I'm a male…type person."

"Oh…right. Terribly sorry. I…have a cold."

"I'm six yeaws owd."

"What?"

"I'm only _six yeaws owd_. That is by no means old."

"Well, I couldn't just call you 'man'… or boy, if you're six… or... _infant_."

"No, but you could have called me Shikamaru. And I'm only jesting… which was troublesome, so appreciate it!"

"Well, _I_ didn't know that you were called Shikamaru."

"And you didn't even bother to find out now, did you? Man, you're troublesome."

"Look, I'm sorry about thinking you were an old woman, but behind you just look so…voluptuous and effeminate... y'know, for an old woman."

Naruto, with a thoughtful face, had begun to make hand gestures that represented the curves of an old woman's body, even if it didn't really show many curves.

"Look, what I have a problem with is that you just automatically treat me like I'm inferior."

"Well, no offense, but I AM Hokage of Konoha. I OWN you."

"Hokage, huh? And how did you come across that title? By _beating up _small children and stealing their ring pops and Gameboy Advance SPs and fruit cocktails and orangutans and breakfast cereals..." he trailed off, staring into space. A few moments later he snapped back to reality, turning to the Hokage. "If we're ever to make any progress… you will have to buy your _own_ copy of Pokemon Sapphire!"

"Shika-chan, there's some _lovely_ filth down here…"

Naruto glanced over at the woman who had entered. She didn't look half bad. Wait…nevermind. Saw her face. Suddenly, she began to speak again.

"Oh, hello."

"Hello, fair lady! I am Naruto, Hokage of Konoha! Can you tell me who the lord of that castle is?"

The woman had begun to pile up filth, while Shikamaru sat on the grass nearby looking bored.

"Ho-whatta?"

"The HOKAGE of KONOHA."

"What's a Hokage? And where's this…_Konoha_?"

"Well…here," Naruto pointed to the ground, "And as Hokage, I am the lord and ruler of Konoha."

The woman looked at the spot Naruto had pointed out.

"You're the ruler of that spot? That one? On the ground? Where all that fungus is growing?"

"Well, yes, I suppose. But I also rule over all of the local lands. And _you,_ being a part of Konoha."

"I didn't know we had a Ho-what's it. I thought we just did whatever we wanted. And collected filth off the ground to throw in that pile over there."

"You're fooling yourself," Shikamaru interjected, "because we are in a dictatorship where only the upper classes matter. And the pile is over _there._"

"There you go, bringing class into things and telling me where the pile is."

"The government is so troublesome…"

"Umm…pardon me, but I'm in haste. Who is the lord of that freakin' castle?"

"There is no lord of that castle."

"Then who rules over you?"

"No one."

At this point the woman and Shikamaru got into quite a lengthy debate over government and the like. Naruto, even though he was the Hokage, was rather confused.

"Shut up! Shut up! I ORDER you to shut up!"

"Oh, order us to shut up, huh? Who do you think you are?" The woman asked.

"I am your Hokage!"

"Well, I didn't vote for you."

"You don't vote for the Hokage."

"Well then, how did you become Hokage?"

Naruto sighed and walked away.

* * *

AN: Review, you reviewing fiends! We demands its!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**(Bad rhymes lie within)**

Naruto, who continued to ride boldly forward, his trusty servant Sakura still trailing closely behind and banging two coconuts together to produce a sound similar to that of beating hooves, rode into a large clearing with a small path/bridgey thing. As he drew closer to the path/bridgey thing, he saw a man with a bowl cut and green spandex fighting some random guy.

After said random guy fell to the ground, the green guy with a bowl cut strode to the path/bridgey thing, crossed his arms over his chest and stared straight ahead.

"Pardon me, Sir!" Naruto cried out, riding forward towards the man, "May I ask of you your name?"

"My…name? It is Lee. Rock Lee." Lee put his hands on Naruto's shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. He got REAL up close to Naruto's face. "This…is something you must never forget…"

Naruto backed away quickly.

"Look, I don't, uh….Anyway, I'll act like that didn't happen. I am Naruto, Hokage of Konoha! And this is Sakura, my trusty servant…"

Naruto was cut off as Lee shoved him aside to grasp Sakura's hands.

"Oh, my darling Sakura! You are…._so_ beautiful…"

Sakura was all like, 'WTF?'

"Anyway….As I said, I am Naruto and this is Sakura. Would you like to join my ninjas of the square bed?"

Lee took his gaze off of Sakura and looked at Naruto.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You don't want to join my ANBU squad?"

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

"All right, then I guess that I will leave you. Now, if you will let me pass…"

As Naruto tried to get past the path/bridgey thing, Lee blocked his path.

"Umm…could you, like, move?"

"I move…for no man."

"So be it!"

The two of them got into a wonderfully entertaining fight. Naruto made a clone of himself and began the Rasengan. He made a move for Lee, who swung and destroyed the shadow clone. Naruto attacked and…

…Lee's arm came right off. And oh, how he took it like a man.

"Now, stand aside. Although you were defeated by my trusty Rasengan, I deem you a worthy adversary."

"It's just a scratch."

"Yeah, so…wait. What? It's not a scratch. Your arm's off."

Lee glanced down at his missing arm. "No it isn't."

"Oh yeah? What's that then?" Naruto also looked at Lee's arm, which was on the ground.

"I've had worse."

"You're lying!"

"Come on, you pansy! Are we to sit here and chat all day while the lovely Sakura is waiting?"

The two men began to fight again, only to end after a brief while when Naruto sliced off Lee's other arm off with his katana.

"VICTORY IS MINE!" Naruto threw up his arms and fell to his knees….

….and was then kicked thoroughly.

"Come on, then!

Naruto was shocked. "What?"

"Have at you!

Lee began to kick Naruto repeatedly. Naruto rose to his challenge.

"You are indeed brave, Sir Lee, but this battle is mine."

"Oh, so you've had enough, eh?"

"Look, you've got no arms left!"

"Sure I do. YOUTH!"

"What? Look!" Naruto pointed to Lee's bloody stubs, then to the arms on the ground.

"It's just a flesh wound." Lee continued his assault.

"Look, stop that. Seriously."

"Chicken! CHICKEN!"

"I'll have your leg!" Naruto pulled his katana out once more.

"Yeah, right…." At that moment, Naruto sliced through Lee's leg, leaving it on the ground with his arms, "Yeah, I'll do you for that!"

"Are you coming on to me _again_? Make up your mind."

Lee hopped over to Naruto.

"Oh, what are you going to do, _bleed_ on me?"

"I'm INVINCIBLE!" Lee proclaimed loudly, head-butting and hopping at Naruto.

"You're _insane_."

Lee continued to head-butt Naruto. "Rock Lee _always_ triumphs! Come on! Have at you!" Lee was muttering incoherent threats while trying to get to Naruto, who was walking slowly backwards. After a while, Naruto made a final swing with his katana and cut off Lee's last leg.

"Alright, we'll call it a draw," Lee said nonchalantly.

Naruto smirked at him and began to walk away over the path/bridgey thing. "Come, Sakura." And Sakura happily obliged, giving one last glance at the fallen Lee. Oh well. So it goes…

"Oh, running away, eh? Get back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" Lee was writhing on the ground, trying to move and give chase to Naruto and his newly beloved Sakura.

"Ah, wait, wait! SAKURA!"

Sakura looked back with an irritated look on her face, still banging the coconut halves together.

"So, I'll see you later tonight, right?" Lee raised a massive eyebrow.

Sakura just ran off, following after Naruto.

"I'll take that as a _yes._"

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"Akatsuki! Akatsuki!"

"I'm not an Akatsuki, I'm _not_ an Akatsuki!" Neji cried as he was dragged to the front of the crowd to stand in front of Sasuke.

"He's an Akatsuki! He's an Akatsuki!"

Sasuke looked down at Neji. "Why do you think he's an Akatsuki?"

"He's dressed like one!"

"And he smells like Itachi!"

"What does Itachi smell like?"

"Cupcakes," Sasuke muttered. Everyone looked up. "What?" he asked.

"_They_ dressed me up like this," Neji muttered, glaring fiercely at the crowd. "And I do _not_ smell like Itachi."

"Now, now," Sasuke said to the crowd, "There are _ways_ of telling whether someone is an Akatsuki. What do we do with Akatsuki?"

"Throw them in the river!"

"Stab them through their kneecaps with kunai!"

"Tie them to beds!"

Everyone turned to look for the person who'd said that, but Kabuto had already run away.

Sasuke coughed. "We roast them on spits, you idiots! And then we feed them to the local beasts!"

"Oh."

"Ahem. So, what do we grill apart from Akatsuki?"

"Pork!"

"Ducks!"

"Shish kebabs!"

"So logically, if Neji tastes like shish kebabs, then…"

The crowd stared, dumbfounded, at Sasuke. "Uh… err… hunawha?"

"Then he's an Akatsuki!" Naruto called as he approached Sasuke's podium.

Sasuke fixed his gaze on the blonde. "Correct," he said through half-lidded eyes.

"Then just lick me and get it over with!" Neji growled.

"No, I'm afraid we must marinate and grill you first," Sasuke said, patting Neji on the head. "Otherwise, how will we know if you taste like shish kebabs?"

"Nooooooooooo!" Neji cried as he was dragged toward the roasting pit by the villagers in a travesty of crowd surfing.

Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Who are you who are so knowledgeable in the ways of screwed up logic?"

"I am Naruto, the Hokage of Konoha Village!" the blonde bellowed, pointing to himself.

"Oh! Your highness!"

"Ne?"

"Are the rumors true? Was your Dad a little too much of an animal lover?"

Naruto stared at him, confused. "No… would you like to join my ninjas of the square bed?"

"You mean… the ANBU?"

"I say tomato, you say potato…"

"Certainly; it's quite boring here. Besides, I don't want to have to be the one to decide Neji's innocence or guilt," Sasuke muttered, grimacing.

Naruto grinned. "Yay! I have ANBU now! Isn't that great, Sakura? Sakuraaaaaaa!"

The Hokage waved his hands in front of the girl's face, but she was staring at Sasuke and drooling, so it didn't have much of an effect on her.

"Fine. Well, off to find more ANBU!" Naruto cried, taking the coconuts from Sakura and banging them together.

(h)(o)(l)(y)

"Konoha!" Naruto said to his ninjas, standing a few hundred yards away from the village entrance.

"Konoha!" said Kakashi the Chaste.

"It's just a few shops and an outhouse," Sakura muttered.

"Shh!" Naruto hissed. "Welcome, my ANBU, to Konoha!"

At the ANBU headquarters, the ninjas were taking advantage of Naruto's absence by partying it up and dancing the night away. They had also begun performing a hit Broadway musical written by Andrew Lloyd Nebber in order to save up money for Gravitation DVDs.

"Oh, we're ninjas of the square bed,

None of us are quite right in the head!

We use big knives

To save hot boys' lives.

We dine well here in Konoha

Where eating squid is against the law.

We're ninjas of the square bed!

When we visit, you'll find yourself quite dead!

We deal in injuries to the kneecaps

In the ninja's lounge we play craps

We're yaoi mad in Konoha

We watch when Sasuke kisses Naruto's jaw!"

"…I haven't been doing that!" Sasuke shrieked, stomping away. His cheeks were flushed.

Naruto sighed, motioning for his new ANBU to follow Sasuke. "Konoha is a silly place anyway… with really _good_ ramen." He pouted before running to catch up to Sasuke.

* * *

Hello there! We hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please, PLEASE review! Sasuke will get an inferiority complex if nobody reviews! And the poor kid is already screwed up enough as it is, ne? Poor SasUKE. So review for Sasuke's sake!

(And sorry, 'Gure! I forgot to get the last part of the song from the disk before I gave it back, and… I want to upload now! Sowwwwwwwy… I'll shut my ears in the oven door if you like! …not really. Ahem. But I am sorry. We can change it later if you want.)

Stay tuned for the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Let's go on a quest!" Naruto said cheerfully the next morning.

"What kind of quest?" Kiba the Brave asked excitedly.

"A quest to find a quest!" the Hokage declared proudly. It was the best idea he'd had in quite a while.

"Umm… OK." Kiba mumbled.

Suddenly the sky opened up, angels sang, and a nine-tailed fox appeared. It lounged on the clouds above them, smirking lazily down at the ground. "Naruto, Hokage of Konoha!"

"Who? Me?" Naruto asked, looking around.

"I don't see any other blonde idiots named Naruto around here," Sasuke said.

"You shut up," Naruto hissed, turning angrily to face Sasuke and almost bumping noses with him.

"_Ooh_, he's all up ons," Kabuto said loudly before running to hide behind some large purple bushes. Sasuke and Naruto were about to chase after him so as to beat him up and steal his shoes, but they were stopped by an angry voice behind them.

"_Hello_! I'm talking here!" Kyuubi growled. "Stupid disrespectful questing ninjas…"

"Oh… what were you saying?" Naruto asked, turning away from Sasuke.

"I am charging you with a divine quest! A quest to find the holy jutsu!"

"Oh, wow! That's really great, Kyuubi! We were just looking for a quest, and then you show up and start handing out quests like religious pamphlets… are you a Witness?" Naruto asked suddenly, narrowing his eyes.

The Kyuubi rolled its eyes.

"Oh, right. I think that might have been an asinine question… hee hee."

(H)(o)(l)(y)

Naruto and his ANBU squad approached a castle on top of a hill. There were now too many ninjas for Sakura to bang coconuts for, and so several of the ninjas had brought along their own personal servants to do the job. Kiba the brave's servant, Kankurou, walked behind the group banging his own coconuts together.

"…Cupcakes?" Sasuke muttered curiously, sniffing at the air.

The ninjas came to a stop in front of the castle. Naruto stared up at the man who was guarding it, calling, "We're on a quest to find the holy jutsu! In exchange for the night's shelter, we will allow your lord to join us on our quest."

"Oh? I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be too keen… you see, he's already got one!" the man shouted back.

"Already got one?" Kakashi asked incredulously. "That's impossible! I mean, he might have a quest, but it won't be _nearly_ as good as ours."

"Are you _sure_?"

"Mind your potatoes, you silly kkkkkkkkkk-ninjas!"

Sasuke's eyes widened impossibly. "ITACHI! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BEAT YOU UP AND STEAL YOUR SHOES!"

Itachi stuck his tongue out in response. "Your mother was a capybara and your father smelled of pork and beans…"

"They're your parents too!" Sasuke retorted, crossing his arms over his chest. "And Dad couldn't help the way he smelled! No matter how many times he bathed, the pork and bean odor just wouldn't go away…"

"Did people wonder who was cooking when he walked down the street?" Kiba asked incredulously.

Naruto sighed, putting a hand on Sasuke's shoulder to stop him from doing anything stupid. Then he turned back to Itachi. "Isn't there anyone else we can talk to?"

"No, you Daughters of the American Revolution!"

"Excuse me! I'm a daughter of the Seven Years' War!" Chouji yelled.

"Well, I'm a daughter of the War of Austrian Succession," Kiba the Brave put in boldly. Several people behind him went 'Ooh!'.

"Now be off, you minions of the Lord of the Dance!" Itachi yelled, ignoring their conversation.

"You're the one who took ballet until you were seventeen!" Sasuke yelled back. "Let go of me, Naruto; let go!"

Naruto sighed, watching as Sasuke ran forth, promptly trying to scale the slippery castle walls. With every attempt, the black-haired ninja slid back down.

Itachi laughed mockingly. "Cho co co co co co co! You have been foiled, oh man close of kin and small of stature! Now be gone or I shall taunt you a second time!"

"Now, this is _outrageous_! We've been charged with a friggin' _divine quest_! I mean, that's the best kind!"

Itachi muttered something to a man that Naruto and his ANBU couldn't see. Sasuke assumed his brother was merely talking to himself, as older brothers are wont to do.

"If you don't let us inside—" Naruto began, but was cut off by something landing on his head. His eyes traveled slowly up to where a wet leg rested on his forehead. The blonde gasped excitedly. "Gamakichi!" he cried.

A "rabbit" was heard before several thousand more wet wrigglies rained down on them and they were forced to make a hasty retreat. "Kyuubi!" Naruto swore, glancing at his ANBU. "Charge?" he asked feebly.

All save Kiba the Brave shook their heads vehemently. Kiba, meanwhile, was already attempting to charge and getting several frogs on the head for his trouble.

"Right! RUN AWAY!" Naruto yelled, flailing around and waving his arms as he ran away from the castle to hide in some convenient bushes. He was soon joined by Sasuke.

"Grr… that Itachi…"

Naruto stared at the black-haired boy curiously. "Hey Sasuke… aren't you supposed to be a genius?"

"No, that's Shikamaru."

"Oh." Naruto's face fell. "But… you're at least smarter than me, right?"

"Everyone's smarter than _you_, Naruto."

The blonde glared. "So! It's up to you to make a plan!"

"You mean… you want to go back there? Naruto, I don't think Chouji can take any more taunting," Sasuke said, looking pointedly at the panting ninja on the ground a few feet away.

"You will make a plan, Sasuke! A good one!"

The other gave a heavy sigh. "Oh, all right. But don't be surprised if you're too dense to understand the true beauty of my plan!"

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"So, uhh… tell me how this works again."

"Kiba, Kakashi and I… will wait in the weasel until nightfall… and then we will jump out once they're all drunk… and I WILL KILL ITACHI!"

Naruto looked over at the castle doors, where a large wooden weasel was being taken inside the fortress. Itachi was looking at it with hearts in his eyes.

"So… what are you doing again? Who's going to be hiding in that very attractive weasel?"

"WEASELS ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE!" Sasuke yelled, outraged.

Naruto gave a cough. "Each to his own, Sasuke-kun. Now… _You're_ going to be coming out of that weasel?"

"Kiba, Kakashi, and I… oh, never mind…" Sasuke muttered. "You'd never understand someone as intelligent as me…" he said, sweat-dropping.

"Riiiiiight."

"Really! That plan was ingenious! Any moment now, those ninjas up there are going to be wetting their pants in fear!"

"Yup. I'm just imagining it now… in my head… since it's never actually going to happen."

"Shut up, you bully!" Sasuke pushed Naruto so that he fell back into the bushes, although of course Naruto had to yank Sasuke down with him.

"_Hello_ Sasuke," Naruto said, batting his eyelashes at the black-haired boy. "How _you_ doin'?"

Sasuke flushed as much as he could. Which was, surprisingly, a lot. "Stupid Naruto."

"…these bushes are rather uncomfortable…" Naruto murmured, squirming to find a better place to lean and coincidentally causing a very curious trail of red to spurt from Sasuke's nose. "What is it, Sasuke? Did you walk into a wall?"

"RUN AWAY!" Sasuke yelled suddenly, disentangling himself from the blonde and beating a hasty retreat.

Naruto smirked as a large wooden weasel landed a few feet away.

"I guess Sasuke _does_ think weasels are attractive…"

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"Take three-hundred fifty-seven. Go…" a voice said unenthusiastically.

A very old man stood in a field. "Defeat at the fortress disheartened Hokage Naruto terribly. Because of the ninja's ferocious taunting, Naruto, with the help of a few of his closest ANBU, decided that they should split up so as to search individually for the most holy jutsu. This is what they did: Kakashi the chaste—"

The cameraman, so frustrated with the old man's constant mistakes that led to do-overs of the scene, leapt forward, attacking Sarutobi with a loud, "AHHHHHH!" Poor Sarutobi crumpled to the ground with a spurt of tomato juice.

His wife ran up as hurriedly as a very ancient woman could. "Frank! Wait, wait! I mean… umm… Chuck? No, that's not it… Bob! Erm… eh… Babutori! No... that's can't be it... SARUTOBI!"

Sarutobi glared angrily at his wife. "How many people _have_ you been sleeping with?"

"You're supposed to be dead!" his wife cried out, blushing, as she threw a kunai at him.

Sarutobi gave the ground another half-hearted spurt of tomato juice.

* * *

AN: Hello! This chapter is slightly shorter than normal… but deal with it. Itachi was here, and so that makes up for it. Mrew. And also… there was SasuNaru. Tee-hee. Everyone loves SasuNaru.

REVIEW!


	4. Chapter 4

**Naruto and the Holy Jutsu**

**Chapter Four**

And so the ANBU of Konoha departed off, each following their own paths. Brave Sir Chouji ventured off to the north, in the dark and spooky Forest of Death...With him, he brought his favorite minstrel. Well, not his favorite, really. She was the only one available.

To supposedly make the journey more enjoyable, the minstrel began to sing a song, celebrating Chouji's brave personality and his love for food.

"Large and plump Sir Chouji  
Left, away from Konoha.  
He was not afraid to die,  
Large, plump Sir Chouji!  
He was not afraid to starve.  
Fat, fat, fat Sir Chouji.  
He was not in the least bit scared to lose his mashed potatoes.  
Or to lose his barbeque and potato chips!  
To have his stomach eat itself and never eat again.  
And life be foodless forever and ever, large Sir Chouji.  
His tongue cut out and his stomach removed,  
He would never be able to enjoy food again,  
Brave, Fat Sir Chouji!  
And his-"

Ino was cut off from her merry song by a quite anxious Sir Chouji.

"That's...That's enough, thanks. I think I'll be fine without anymore of your jests at my weight..."

Unfortunately, Chouji's interruption of Ino's song was...interrupted.

"Halt! Who are you, trying to get the best of me?"

In front of Chouji and his minstrel there was a two headed man with a broom (with a face drawn on it, of course) duct taped onto his back. Shoulder. You know, that place. So it looked like that broom was a third head. I mean, it _was _a third head, of course, but it had some trauma when they were a child.

"Umm..." Chouji managed to squeak out. How fearsome. A two headed man and a broom! This situation was bad.

" 'Ummm'? Is that all you have to say to the fearsome Sakon, Ukon, and Other?" To be perfectly honest with you, Sakon was the only one around. One head, Ukon, was asleep, and the other was a flippin' broom. A broom named Other.

"Other," the main one, named Sakon, inquired with the accent of a Southern Belle, "What do you think of this?"

"Well," Sakon still said, only with an Australian accent, "I think that we should eat them."

"Eat them?" still said by Sakon, only French this time," That's disgusting! Cannibalism is frowned upon!"

"What are you talking about, Ukon?" Other asked.

"I'm saying that it is improper for us to even _think _about eating these people."

"Why? We eat Akatsuki," Sakon added.

"Well, that's different. Akatsuki aren't people; they're walking diseases." Ukon said with an air of knowledge.

"So, the fact that they're walking diseases means that we can eat them?" Other asked

"Yes," Ukon replied.

"What kind of disease are we talking about here?" Sakon asked amusedly.

"Yeah. Are they STD's, or terminal..." Other could have gone on and on.

"All sorts," Ukon was growing tired of this game, and it was obvious.

"So you're telling me that it's okay to eat things like Syphilis and..." Sakon was cut off by Chouji's interjection.

"Ummm..." Chouji said meekly.

"Just a moment," The man continued to argue with his heads, "...and Cancer? And stuff like that?"

"Only if it's an Akatsuki," Ukon said, quite unenergetically.

"But it would still be eating a disease," Sakon declared.

"Yes, but that disease would be an _Akatsuki,_" This needed to be over. The fat guy was running away.

"Oh..." Other had finally figured it out.

"Do you finally grasp the concept?" He knew he shouldn't have asked it.

"Not really," Other wasn't one for grasping things, seeing as he was a broom and all.

"They're the ones that taste like shish-kebabs, right?" Sakon asked jokingly.

"Yes. Yes they are. Thanks for starting this. Thanks a lot."

"Uh, you guys?" Other had noticed something.

"What?"

"Where'd that fat guy and annoying girl go?" He asked. He _really_ wanted to eat them.

"They ran off, like, five minutes ago." Ukon was glad to be rid of them, anyway. He knew that they were probably going to end up eating them with tea or something. He wasn't very fond of tea, thanks to an incident where Sakon's ex had thrown a cup full of steaming tea at them and it had all landed on his head.

"Oh well," Sakon said after a sigh and a long pause, "I don't think they had any diseases anyway."

Chouji couldn't believe what he had just survived. That was the _legendary_ (Only in the small area of Worchenburgvilleshire, Connecticut) Three-Headed-Guy! That was scary.

To celebrate their survival, Ino began to sing again, a delightful smile on her face. "Fat Sir Chouji ran away!"

"No I didn't."

"Like a chicken ran away, away..."

"No! It was a _tactical_ _retreat_!"

"After seeing the guy with three heads,

Fat Sir Chouji will wet his bed..."

"Look, ANBU need to protect their _assets!_ That guy was mad messed up! Who knows what he would have done?"

"It doesn't matter what you say,

You're a fat coward anyway..."

Chouji was getting angry at her now. "Shut up! I miss Shikamaru...He was a WAY better minstrel than you!"

"Fat fat fat fat fat

Plump, fat, portly

Larger than the rest Sir Chouji!"

Chouji had decided to do the manly thing and ignore her. "God I hate you, Ino..." Ino just giggled and followed obligingly.

Meanwhile, not very far away at all, Sasuke and Naruto discovered something. They were...in love.

(H)(o)(l)(y)

Kakashi was _not_ a happy camper. Rain poured down on his head (completely ruining his hair, which he had spent four hours gelling, spraying and mousse-ing), thunder boomed overhead, and lightning had just struck a spot five inches away from his shoe. The howling of the wind was so loud that he couldn't hear himself shouting for help, never mind anyone _else_ hearing.

But then, like divine intervention, the lightning struck violently several hundred yards away, illuminating a large castle. At the top was burning a jutsu-shaped beacon. How did Kakashi _know_ it was jutsu-shaped?

"I've seen a lot of jutsus in my time," Kakashi said haughtily, striding up to the heavy doors. "OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR!" He yelled, pounding against the door in a most undignified manner. "IN THE NAME OF NARUTO, OPEN THE DO—!"

The door creaked slowly open. "Hello!" squeaked an awfully attractive girl with blonde pigtails, who consequently looked too much like Naruto for comfort. "Welcome, gentle ninja. Welcome to the Castle Rankoupaatii."

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "Is that indicative of something?"

"Hmm…?" Naruko asked, blinking coquettishly.

The ninja coughed. "_You're_ the ones who have the Holy Jutsu?"

"Hunawha?"

"The Jutsu. You've been hiding it here this _whole_ time. You buggers, why couldn't you have sent us ANBU a memo or something? The whole bloody country knows we're—" Kakashi looked down at the hand that was stroking his shoulder. He swallowed uncomfortably.

"You must be tired," Naruko said silkily, her other hand coming to rest on Kakashi's cheek. "And the beds here… are warm and soft and… very, very large…"

"And square?" Kakashi asked dreamily, hardly caring that he was blushing like mad.

"That can be arranged." Then Naruko backed away, smoothing out her skirt. It was a miniskirt, by the way. An orange miniskirt. "So, what is your name, handsome ninja?"

"I am Kakashi… the Chaste."

"Oh?" she giggled. "Well, I'm Naruko. Naruko the not-so-chaste-anymore-since-I-met-Sasuko."

Kakashi blinked. "Look, please! In Kyuubi's name, show me the jutsu!"

"Ah, but you are delirious! You must rest now," Naruko said, leading Kakashi up a set of stairs.

"No, no! I saw it! Really!"

"Well, you know… maybe that one eye is tired of compensating and you just can't see clearly anymore."

"I'm not _blind_!"

"Ah, but you _must_ stay. We get company so infrequently… all eight score of us will want to attend to you personally."

"There are that many girl Narutos running around?" Kakashi asked, perplexed, as Naruko opened a door and ushered him inside. Kakashi stared suspiciously around. The bed was, in fact, very, very big—and also square. But someone was already lying on it. Someone wearing only a very small pair of shorts. Someone reading _Icha Icha Paradise_.

"You look familiar. Did I dance with you once upon a dream?" Suddenly, realization hit. Obito!" Kakashi yelled. "I thought you'd kicked the bucket! I mean, you got squashed by that gigantic rock or twenty and then you gave me your pretty red sharingan…"

"Shh!" Obito said, pressing a finger to his lips and doing his best impression of Gwen Stefani.

"Hey, Obito… I think that there bed belongs to me."

"Oh no, Kakashi. This herebed belongs to _us_," Obito said sexily.

"Oh, don't mind him," Naruko said, giving Kakashi a push and causing him to plop down on the bed. "He's just the doctor."

"D-doctor? But he's got no shirt on! And he's wearing short shorts! And he's _dead_. "

"Don't judge me."

"Oh. Sorry. I have a cold."

"So, you _do_ need a doctor," Obito said, a predatory gleam in his eyes.

"What? No! I was just playing off a joke in a previous chapter! I don't _really_ have a cold!"

"Oh, I think you _do_."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Several minutes later, Obito was sitting on Kakashi's stomach. He had gone back to reading _Icha Icha Paradise_.

"Is that a good book?" Kakashi asked boredly.

"Why yes. It's _very_ good."

"So read it to me. I'm sleepy."

"…This is definitely not the kind of book that puts you to sleep."

"I don't care. Read it anyway."

"Well, if you insist…" Obito said, shrugging, and began to read aloud the cheesy, flowery porn known as _Icha Icha Paradise_.

"Oh, my… oh, my… NO! I have sworn myself to chastity!" Kakashi cried.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a baby. It's only foreplay. And besides, you were the one that wanted it. It was my duty as a Medic to oblige."

"I thought you were a doctor."

"You're worried about stupid stuff like that? There's no real difference."

"Sure there is, you little silly."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Obito got closer to Kakashi's face.

"A doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable while they die."

"No, that's only in Red vs. Blue," Obito moved away from Kakashi.

"Oh? Well, in that case..." Kakashi pushed Obito off of him and ran out the door. Obito grinned. "Good luck with your chastity and all that."

Unfortunately for Kakashi's chastity, he had run into the bathroom. In the bathroom, many girl Narutos and Sasukes were bathing. Bathing wearing no clothes. Kakashi didn't know whether he should run or take the time to drool, and _then_ run. He was going with the latter.

"Konnichi wa."

"Konnichi wa."

"OHAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" A particularly busty Naruko shouted gleefully, waving.

"Naruko!" Kakashi yelled, running up to her. "Naruko, Naruko! Where is the jutsu! I'm begging you!"

"Umm? Who are _you_, sexy ninja?"

"We met earlier, remember? I'm Kakashi! And you've been doing naughty things with Sasuko!"

"Nope. I think you must have met someone else. I'm Naruko number 58. But even if I'm not who you're looking for, you're welcome to hang out with me for a while." Naruko batted her eyelashes suggestively. Praise to the Jedi Kakashi was forced to wear his chastity belt. You know, to make _sure_ he followed through with the chaste thing.

"No, no, I think I'll just leave…" Kakashi backed away slowly toward the door.

"Oh… oh, wait! Good ninja! I didn't recall until just now, but... the beacon on our castle is jutsu-shaped!"

"Yes. I know that. I've been talking about that the whole flippin' time!"

"So it's not really a jutsu. It's a beacon."

"Oh."

"It works quite well. Questing ninjas come here _all_ the time… and then when they're finished with their quest, they come back for more… tee-hee."

Kakashi coughed.

"Have you got a cold?" Naruko asked, concerned.

"NO!" Kakashi bellowed.

"Oh. Well, all right. Anyway, there is a punishment for lighting the jutsu-shaped beacon."

"Punishment?"

"Yes. It involves a hot-tub and the _fabulous _board-game Clue...and spankings."

"Curious…"

"And the punishment must be administered by a brave, attractive young ninja… just like yourself! Oh, it is my lucky day!"

Kakashi began trying to edge away, not liking where this seemed to lead.

"Of course, since all us Narukos look the same… I suppose you'll have to spank us all!"

"Eh heh…"

"And then of course the Sasukos would be jealous, so you'd have to do the same to them."

"Of course."

"And after the spankings, you may do as you like with us."

Several Narukos were milling around curiously, watching the proceedings with rapt attention.

"Of course, I get dibs on first spanking."

"NOOOOOO!" All the other Narukos yelled, tearing at their pigtails and crying.

"…and after all this comes…?" Kakashi asked, interested.

"Well… you, I'd hope."

Kakashi blanched.

"And then is the…" Naruko looked around suspiciously, before standing on tiptoe to whisper conspiratorially in Kakashi's ear.

"Oh ho ho… maybe I can stay the night… I _am_ incredibly weary. Questing sure takes it out of you."

"Oh, but to spank all of us, you'd have to stay for quite a few nights," Naruko insisted.

"Well, I _do_ have a cold."

Just then, Kiba burst through the front door. "Hello," Kakashi said.

Kiba rushed up the stairs, grabbed Kakashi's hand, and proceeded to 'rescue' him. "Quick! We must escape!"

"…why? There's nothing dangerous here."

"Oh, yes there is! There is peril everywhere!" Kiba said, gesturing widely at Naruko's chest.

"I'm fine. Really. You can let go now. I'll get in touch with you next week."

"Come on! You must escape!"

Kakashi looked around at the girls. "I think I can take them."

"…I sense quite a bit of double entendre there, Kakashi."

"Yes! Let him take us!"

"No, you must go."

"I can tackle this lot easily. There's only a hundred-fifty of them!"

The Narukos collapsed on the floor in various and sundry suggestive positions. "Oh, yes! We haven't a chance, you see!"

A boy strode through the crowd of girls on the floor, looking around curiously. "What's going on here?"

"I'm rescuing poor Kakashi from these foul temptresses—" Kiba began, but was cut off by Kakashi.

"I DON'T _NEED_ RESCUING!"

"I- I agree wholeheartedly."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Iruka."

"Nice hot pants you got there," Kiba complimented. "They're very becoming on you."

"Why, thank you," Iruka said, blushing.

"I daresay they'd look much nicer on the floor," Kakashi said.

Kiba looked down at him. "Right. Time to go," he said, lifting Kakashi and throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Then he strode out the door, slamming it loudly behind him.

There was the loud sound of many, many curses accompanying their leave. "Oh, well," a Naruko sighed, taking a Sasuko's hand. "Let's go… _upstairs_."

"Oh yes."

Meanwhile, Kiba and Kakashi were arguing animatedly while Kiba's entourage walked alongside. "Thank goodness—we were just in the nick of time. You were in great peril."

"Was not," Kakashi said, sticking his tongue out indignantly.

"Oh, yes. Yes you were."

"You should just let me go and face the peril. Seriously."

"No. I'm sorry, but it's much too perilous."

"Isn't it the duty of an ANBU to sample as much peril as he can?"

"Not _that_ kind of peril."

Kakashi crossed his arms angrily. "You want me all to yourself, _don't_ you?"

"Oh? Oh yes," Kiba said flatly.

Kakashi huffed. Then he made a mental note to buy _Icha Icha Paradise_ the next time they were near a bookstore.

And that was how Kakashi became Kakashi the not-so-chaste-as-he-was-before.

* * *

AN: This chapter is much longer than normal. It was very troublesome, so you'd better appreciate it! --;; My brain is broken. Goodnights. Badnights. Mediocrenights.

Kohaku: I'm not a ninja!

Cuuute.

Ahem.

This program was brought in part by reviewers like you. (That means you need to review.) …I'm such an idiot. 'Gure, forgive me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five **

In a small tower of a castle, there was a young man and his father. This man loved to sing and play with his bug collection more than anything else, but his father disapproved of what his son enjoyed. It was an unfortunate situation, seeing as how Prince Shino liked to make his bugs perform lovely musicals for the people of the castle. They rather enjoyed them, too.

"One day, daughter... this castle that hovers two centimeters above the ground on a sparkly pink cloud... will be _all_ yours."

"Everything the light touches?" Shino asked, not bothering to correct his father's mistake in his gender. He was secure enough in his manhood that it didn't bother him anymore, although that was thanks to several hundred hours of intensive therapy and three-hundred fifty-seven banana ice pops.

"Yeeees, Simba."

"Shino," the boy corrected.

His father waved his hand nonchalantly. "Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, today you're going to be marrying Princess Hinata..."

"I don't _want_ to marry Princess Hinata," Shino muttered decisively, crossing his arms over his chest and sticking his tongue out.

"Oh, and why not? She's the most beautiful girl this side of the Mississippi! And she's got huge tracts of land..." his father said, making several obscene gestures off to the side.

"Yeah right. _Tsunade-sama_ has huge tracts of land. Hinata is pathetically average."

"I mean, real _tracts of land. _Y'know, like fields and forests with little rivers running through them... land is bloody expensive these days, you know!"

"Oh. But still... she wouldn't be right for my musicals. The girl I marry will help me with the choreography... do you know how _hard_ it is to teach roaches to Electric Slide?"

His father blanched.

"...The girl I marry... must have odd markings on her face... and a love of dogs... and a fur coat that we can snuggle under..." Shino's eyes went wide with hearts.

His father backed away slowly. "Yes, right... well, you're marrying her as soon as the bloody caterers arrive with the bloody cheese crackers and bloody carrot cake... guards!"

Two dim-witted guards entered, standing on either side of the door.

"And no singing! Or dancing! Or gay-type merrymaking of any sort!"

Shino's father approached one of the two guards in the room. He looked like the smarter of the two, considering the other one looked rather dull-witted. "I want you to make sure my son stays in here. And that he doesn't sing. Or make his...bugs perform in musicals."

The guard shook his head in confirmation. "Alright. Make sure he stays here and sings. And be SURE to make his bugs dance in musicals."

"No, no! I want you to make sure he stays here and _doesn't _sing and make his bugs dance in musicals."

"Oh, okay. I got it this time. Make sure he doesn't leave, sing, or make his bugs dance."

"Right."

"Yes sir!"

Shino's father left the room, glancing back at Shino briefly to make sure he didn't start singing. Or making his creepy bugs dance. The guard dutifully watched over Shino.

Shino's eyes darted from one guard to the other before he turned around, grabbed a piece of paper and pen, and conspicuously began writing a letter, staring at the guards all the while. The two smiled brightly at him. Shino stabbed himself with a protractor, watching as little ladybugs streamed from the cut. He leaned down, whispering conspiratorially to them before placing the letter on top of their many backs. "Go, little buggies!" he called, watching them leave. "Fly, fly!"

Meanwhile, Kiba the brave and Kankurou, his trusty servant, were walking down a nice path. They came to a creek, leaving Kankurou in the difficult position of having to make just right the sounds of horse hooves slowing down and then leaping across a long distance before touching down again. Kiba didn't seem to appreciate his efforts in the slightest, unfortunately. It made Kankurou sad, but only on the inside.

And so, while trying to get the coconut-bangings timed just right, Kankurou was attacked by a swarm of deadly insects! All right, so they were just some really cute ladybugs carrying a letter. But Kankurou didn't seem to realize that, and fell over.

"Kiba... Kiba, I fear I may be dying..." Kankurou said, his voice raspy, as he stretched a hand pathetically to the brave ninja, hoping to gain a fleeting moment of his Ninja-In-Shining-Body-Paint's attention.

"Oh? Really?" Kiba looked over to his servant, but found his vision obstructed by the flying bugs. "Oh, cool! Little buggies! ...oh, have you got a letter for me?" His dog, Akamaru, jumped from his jacket and began doing a little jig. "We just got a letter, we just got a letter! We just got a letter, wonder who it's from?" Kiba sang loudly, taking the letter and opening it up, his eyes quickly perusing its contents.

"Warm-hearted royal with a love for music and insects seeking a single person who has strange markings on his/her face, has a love for dogs, and a fur coat for us to cuddle under! If interested, find me at Pink, Fluffy Cloud Castle. Young house painters need not apply," Kiba read aloud. "Oh, it must be a match made in Naruto yaoi fanfiction heaven! Not that I'm presuming a man wrote this, _oh no! _Well, Kankurou, this is bound to lead us to the holy jutsu! You shall not have died in vain, my trusted and quite personal servant!" With that, Kiba began running off to the quite flamboyant castle, Akamaru nipping at his heels and an exciting drum solo playing in the background.

"I'm not dead yet, sir..." Kankurou rasped miserably.

Kiba stopped and looked back at Kankurou. "Well, okay then. You...uh...shall not have been attacked and mortally wounded by a swarm of evil, Satan-possessed ladybugs in vain!"

Kankurou just looked at him.

"All right, so you just stay here and rest a bit, ne? I'll...uh...go rescue this...person, and then I'll come back for you." Kiba had starting running off again.

Kankurou sighed. "Honestly now, this is ridiculous. Why? ALL THE CHILDREN LOVE ME! Why! WHY!"

All Kiba heard was that all of the children love Kankurou...To be honest, he knew the story from the children's perspective, and they definitely did _not_ love him. They were kinda scared. Unless he was talking about _the _children. Wasn't there another one on the way?

In the distance, you could still hear Kankurou screaming, "THE BABY IS KICKING! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO GO! FEED THE CHILDRENS! I WILL BE ALL UP ONS! EVERYBODY LOVES FUUCANDY! BARS! FUUCANDY BARS!"

Kiba just kept running.

(h)(o)(l)(y)

Princess Hinata was a cute, pathetically average young woman. Having been finished with the preparations for her wedding four hours ago, she was standing around idly, talking to some girls about her cousin.

"He was killed and eaten a few days ago. He was such a good man...Anyway, they had accused him of being an Akatsuki, and so they had to see if he tasted like shish-kebobs. Of course, he tasted the same as all Hyuugas. Like pumpkin pie and kapusta..." Just at that moment, a man with a puppy nipping at his heels came running through, stealing people's shoes as he passed.

The guests screamed as their shoes were ripped viciously from their unsuspecting feet and a small, large-mouthed puppy ran under women's dresses.

"...I wonder who that could be..." Hinata said, watching as Kiba ran through the castle doors with a yell and a jump.

"...what's with the pink clouds?" Kiba asked as he landed on the floor.

Kiba ran quickly through the castle and up the stairs, calling, "Anyone send out a personal a little while ago?" When no one answered, he continued on and eventually reached a staircase going up to a lofty tower.

"Milady/man, I am Kiba the brave of the Konoha ANBU! I received... y'know, a personal ad of some interest... could it be you who sent it?" he asked, finally looking up to see a boy/man in a funny coat and sunglasses. Several insects were dancing on the table beside him, humming Rocky Horror songs.

Shino looked at Kiba. "...you have odd facial markings..."

Akamaru barked as he finally caught up with Kiba. "...and an apparent love for dogs..."

Shino stepped forward, his fingers gliding to rest on the furry collar of Kiba's jacket. "And a furry jacket we can cuddle under!"

"Uh... umm... you're a man?" Kiba asked curiously, squinting at Shino's jacket.

Shino nodded.

"Awright, Shino! Let's you and I mate right now!"

Shino's father suddenly walked in. "What's this about copying awkward lines from translated Yuugiou manga chapters?"

"Umm... well, see, your son was advertising himself..."

"Fajah, I am in love! Therefore, I can't marry Princess Hinata!"

"Oh, yes you can! You can just have an affair on the side!"

Shino turned teary eyes to his father. "Nooooooooo!" he cried, in a high tenor. "Loooooove is only for twooooooo, not for threeeeee or four or fiiiiive, but for twooooooooooo of the most in love people aliiiiiive!"

"Noooooooo singing!" his father cried, throwing his hands to the sky. Then he turned to Kiba. "...Do _you_ have huge tracts of land?"

Kiba glanced down at his chest. "Umm... no. But I'm an ANBU from Konoha! And I'm on a divine quest and stuff..."

"Oh, really?" Shino's father asked excitedly. "Well, then, you can _certainly _marry Shino!"

"Well... uhh... isn't it a little early to be getting married?" Kiba asked nervously. "I only met the guy five minutes ago!"

"Aww, but it's been so hard to marry Shino off! I mean, the kid has a _bug_ fetish!"

"Then get him to marry the girl he's _already_ marrying!"

"...But Kiiiiiiiibaaaa, I only have eyes for youuuuuuuuu!" Shino sang, his hands clasped together and eyes sparkly with tears, although no one could see them under his sunglasses.

"Well, yeah... as soon as I find the holy jutsu, I'll come back here and _then_ we'll get married."

"Yay!" Shino said. His bugs were square dancing together, they were so happy.

Shino's father rolled his eyes. "Well, this is just great. The caterers just arrived and _everything_, and now you decide to marry someone else..."

"Aw, c'mon Kiba, at least feed me some wedding cake before you go!"

Kiba looked around suspiciously before turning back to Shino. "Oh... _all right_."

"And then, and then, and theeeeen... I can borrow Hinata's wedding dress and you can borrow my tuxedo and we can get married!"

Kiba sweat-dropped. "I thought we already went over this..."

"Kiba, let's try it! You love me, don't deny it!" Shino sang, slipping easily into a bass part.

"Say I do, I do, I do!" his bugs sang, flying over to Kiba's shoulder, holding hands, and doing the electric slide with quite a lack of rhythm.

"Oh, _fine_," Kiba sighed.

Kankurou was quite surprised to find his beloved Kiba a married man when he had finally managed to limp to the castle.

"HOW? WHAT? KIBA, OUR _CHILDRENS_!" Kankurou cried, patting his stomach, where he had a puppet hidden under his shirt, which gave the impression that Kankurou would very soon give birth to an asymmetrical, lumpy baby. He would be named Karasu.

Shino blinked. "Childrens?"

Kiba gave an aggravated sigh. "We haven't got any _childrens_." He turned to his servant. "Kankurou, what did I tell you about _boys_?"

"Umm... err..." Kankurou looked down at his feet. "...they can't have childrens."

"Riiiiiiight. Good job." Kiba patted him on the head. "You get a fuucandy bar."

Kankurou's eyes lit up. "Yay!" he cried. "Everybody loves fuucandy bars!"

"Umm... right," Shino mumbled. "The bride is _seriously_ waiting for his kiss over here."

Meanwhile, Hinata was watching. "...I _do_ think that dress would look better on a full-figured man..." she mumbled, putting her hand to her mouth.

Several pictures were hastily snapped as Kiba and Shino kissed. Kiba grinned as he stepped back. "Bugbreath."

Shino stuck out his tongue.

"Well, my love, I must be off! Do be a good buggy-boy while I'm gone!"

"Oh, yes! Yes, I will!" Shino cried. "But I never said I'd lie and wait forever!"

"Umm... yeah, OK. It shouldn't take _that_ long."

"Well, goodbye, my beloved husband!" Shino called and Kiba walked off with Kankurou in tow, waving a handkerchief.

"Uh, same to you..."

Kiba continued on his journey, walking merrily through fields where the grass had quite possibly _never_ been cut, until he realized something. "Damn," he muttered.

"What?" Kankurou asked as he licked fuucandy bar chocolate from his fingers.

"...Now I can't do dirty things with youanymore..." he said sadly.

"Well, that's what you get for reading the personals," Kankurou sad derisively.

"If you don't watch it, I'll take your fuucandy away!"

Kankurou's eyes shook with fright as he held his candy tightly. "Noooo! The childrens must eat!" he cried, running to hide in the forest ahead of them.

"...Idiot. Sexy idiot..." Kiba said thoughtfully.

* * *

AN: Fuucandy! Bars! …don't ask about that. Just review and ignore your confusion. Mwa ha ha. _Please_ review. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six **

"Ku ku ku ku ku ku ku ku," Orochimaru laughed. "Ke ke ke ke ke ke!"

"…And this enchanter, he has seen the holy jutsu?" Sasuke asked.

"Hee hee hee, ha ha ha… my, you're sexy… haa ha ha!"

Naruto growled, holding Sasuke's arm protectively. "So, where does he live?"

Orochimaru continued to laugh. Naruto got ticked off and bonked him on the head with half a coconut husk.

"Oww…" Orochimaru muttered, patting the bump on his head.

"Where does he _live_, old man!"

"I'm not old."

"Pedophile."

Orochimaru sighed. "This enchanter, he knows about this hole in the wall which no man has entered, but which a lot of women go into to try on overpriced clothing."

"So… the Holy Jutsu is in a ladies' dressing room?"

"I didn't say that."

"B-but…"

"Anyway. In that hole in the wall are carved the last words of… some dead guy. Hmm… he might have been important. I can't remember."

"Because you're _senile_."

"I beg your pardon."

"Yes. Beg. Beg like the senile old man you are. Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Sasuke wisely stopped Naruto's chatter with a well-placed caress. "And so where is the jutsu?"

"Past this hole in the wall… lies the perilous bridge of death… gorgeous! Would you like to visit me in my hovel sometime? We can put on some _jazz_ music and lounge in the Jacuzzi."

"Listen, you pervert! Where is the bloody jutsu!" Sasuke yelled.

"Oh, I don't know. Just… go to all the places I've told you about. And then… maybe you'll find it. Sooner or later." Then Orochimaru started laughing again before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"_Idiot_. Gosh."

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"Nar-you-dough!"

"…Who are you?" Naruto asked.

"We are the kkkkkk-ninjas who say… Nar-you-dough!"

"Nar-you-dough!" a random ninja yelled.

Naruto flinched. "You mean… the Akatsuki?"

"Oh no, the Akatsuki!" Sasuke said.

The leader shrugged. "Same difference. We are the keepers of the three sacred words… Nar, you, and dough."

"…Those who hear them diiiiiiiiie," Naruto explained in hushed tones to Sasuke.

"The ninjas who say Nar-you-dough demand a sacrifice!"

"Noooooo! Naruto is mine!" Sasuke yelled, throwing his arms around the blonde's middle.

"No… umm… I was going to ask for… a shrubbery." A dramatic chord played in the background. "I mean, Itachi hasn't gotten back from playing the French guy, so you don't have to worry about Naruto's safety just yet."

"Huh?" Naruto asked.

"Nar-you-dough! Nar-you-dough! Nar-you-dough!" Naruto and Sasuke fell to their knees, writhing in pain.

"We will say nar-you-dough again if you do not appease us," the man who looked like a Venus fly trap said.

"Yeah," Deidara agreed.

"Oh, good and fair Akatsuki, we will find a shrubbery!" Naruto shouted.

"One that's purty," the leader said.

Deidara grunted, "Yeah."

"And not too expensive," Sasori said. "What with energy costs these days…"

"Right," Naruto said, raising a fist. "Well, we shall go and find you a shrubbery! Goodbye!" He dragged Sasuke out of the woods.

"Whew. Glad that's over," Naruto said.

"Naruto… why did they keep talking about you?"

"Huh?"

(H)(o)(l)(y)

When Naruto and Sasuke arrived in the town, an old lady was standing in the road. Naruto strode up to her, leaning down to whisper in her ear. "Do you know where we could find… a _shrubbery_?"

The old woman shrieked in pain, attracting the attention of several other random people. "I've never even _heard _of a shr—shubb—schrubbing bubbles…"

"Tell me, woman!"

"What? Where the local brothel is located?"

"Noooooo! Where may I find a shrubbery, woman?" Naruto bellowed, but the old woman would not give in. "NAR YOU DOUGH!"

"Noooooooooooo!" the old lady shrieked.

"Nar-you-dough!" Naruto yelled again.

"Naruuuuuuuto!" Sasuke shouted in an attempt to assist Naruto with vanquishing the old lady.

"No, Sasuke, no. It's Nar-_you-dough_. Not Naruuuuuuuto."

"Nar-you-toe?" Sasuke asked, confused.

"_No._ Nar-you-dough!"

Sasuke's eyes lit up. "Oh! I get it! NAR-YOU-DOUGH!"

The old lady collapsed, twitching, to the ground. Suddenly a very pretty man with white hair rode by on the skeleton of a horse. "Oh," he said, "These are dark times when passing gay couples may say 'Nar-you-dough' at will to old ladies… I am Kimimaro the shrubber—famed throughout the land for my beautiful works! But even world-class shrubbers like myself must toil away day and night to make enough money to buy the good porn…" The man looked wistfully to the sky, small tears shining in his eyes. "Oh, my beloved Orochi-chan, I wish to buy more of your nude workout videos!"

Naruto and Sasuke sweat-dropped. Naruto, however, strode boldly forward. "You say you're a shrubber?" he asked.

"Hm? Oh, yes. My shrubberies are made of human bones. _My _bones, in fact."

"Really? So you could totally lassooooo the moon with your jawbone, right? _Right_?" Naruto inquired happily.

"Well… I rather like my jawbone, I'm sorry."

"Oh," Naruto murmured, looking crestfallen.

"Could you make us a shrubbery? We'd be sure to pay you handsomely…"

"In flesh?" Kimimaro asked, his green eyes looking Sasuke up and down.

Naruto quickly moved to stand in front of Sasuke, his eyes flashing with jealousy. "NAR-YOU-DOOOOOOOOOUGH!" he yelled mightily, causing rocks on several of the nearby mountains to crumble, crushing the unfortunate members of many herds of cattle.

"Ahhhhh!" Kimimaro gave a girly shriek. "All right, all right! I'll make you a shrubbery!"

Naruto grinned.

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"D'you think a _bone_ shrubbery is really what the Akatsuki had in mind?" Sasuke asked, looking down at what was once Kimimaro's ribcage.

"They didn't say _not_ to get a bone shrubbery," Naruto reasoned, stopping in front of the crowd of Akatsuki.

Itachi was standing off to the side, being chatted up by a man who looked like a shark.

"_So_, how 'bout them Braves?"

Sasuke suddenly rushed forward, moving to attack Itachi. However, at the last moment Itachi raised two fingers, poking his little brother's forehead. The boy made a gurgling noise and collapsed, coughing up blood. "Foolish little brother."

"Aww, Itachi! You didn't tell me you had such a cute little brother!" Kisame squeaked, pinching Sasuke's cheeks maternally. "He's so little, like a baby moose!"

"Itachi!" Sasuke yelled, hopping to his feet. "I have come for my revenge!" Sasuke brandished the rather pointy bone shrubbery at his brother.

"Oh, yeah!" Deidara said, taking the shrubbery from Sasuke. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

"…rap music?" Sasori asked. "Deidara, have you been going clubbing without me!" he accused.

"…yeah," Deidara mumbled, shrinking and running to hide behind a bush, leaving the shrubbery behind.

The leader took hold of the abandoned shrubbery, surveying it with a calculating eye. "This… this is just a glorified ribcage!"

"B-but it was made by the great Kimimaro!" Naruto yelled, trying desperately to remind everyone that yes, he was actually there.

"Kimimaro, eh?" the leader considered, rubbing his chin as if he was Fidel Castro, which he might have been on every other weekend. "He's hot. All right."

Naruto and Sasuke gave sighs of relief.

"But don't relax yet! We are no longer the kkkkkk-ninjas who say Nar-you-dough! We are now the kkkk-ninjas who say… Scotty don't!"

"Scotty don't, Scotty don't!"

"Scotty does! Scotty does!" yelled a confused Akatsuki.

"No! Scotty _don't_!"

The leader coughed. "Thus, we demand another sacrifice."

"What!" Naruto asked, outraged.

"Yeah," Deidara squeaked, finally brave enough to step out from behind the bush.

"You must find us ANOTHER shrubbery!"

"Nooooooooooooooo!" Naruto shrieked.

"YES. One that is slightly larger… for a two-level effect! And a Jacuzzi in the middle!"

"A Jacuzzi, a Jacuzzi!"

"And then, you must both dress up like flamenco dancers and do the… CAN CAN! Because they can can can!"

"That's ridiculous!"

"Well, if you want to pass through this forest alive, then you'd better start puttin' your stockings on!"

Suddenly Sir Chouji came forth, heralded by Ino, who was still singing embarrassing songs about him.

"And running away

And cheating on his diet

His steps cause buildings to sway—"

"Oh, hellooooo there, Sir Chouji!" Naruto greeted.

"Hello," the ninja said unhappily, glaring at Ino.

"Have you been able to find the jutsu?"

"Well… no. By and large," Chouji began, hearing the Akatsuki screech, "My trip was unfruitful. And annoying."

"You haven't given up your quest, have you?"

"Oh, no. I was looking for the jutsu in this forest!"

"So what, by and large, have you and Sasuke been doing?" Itachi fell to the ground, blood randomly spurting from his elbow.

"Oh, coming out of the closet… and then, going back _into_ the closet…" Naruto said, smirking.

"By and large…" Sasuke muttered. "Who says by and large?"

"Apparently, _Chouji_ says 'by and large'."

"Noooo! Do not say it!"

"It? I haven't been saying _it_!"

"Ha ha ha. That fat kid's been saying by and large!" Deidara said, and promptly exploded like a pot with air bubbles in a kiln.

"He said it! He said it!"

"Ha ha, Deidara fall down go BOOM!" Itachi grunted, crawling over to Sasuke. "Sasuke… foolish little brother!" he yelled, pushing bloody fingers against Sasuke's forehead.

"Nooo! BY AND LARGE, BY AND LARGE, BY AND LARGE!" Naruto yelled, tugging Sasuke away from Itachi.

And that was how the Akatsuki were defeated.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Hellooooooooooo! It's been a really long time, but that's largely due to the fact that my co-author (that walrus girl) is slacking off. Mleh. Yeah. So this is... lots and lots of TRT. Please don't run away from lots of TRT. I'll be sure to force that walrus girl to write some next time. Mwa ha haha ha. I hope, anyway.

**Chapter Seven**

Naruto and his ANBU rode for ages and ages, until they felt their feet may fall off and if they had actually been riding horses, they might now have doubts about their abilities to produce children. Not that there _would_ be any, since most of the ANBU were gay. Gay gay gay gay gay.

Eventually they came to a mountain, which they climbed up, Chouji with much difficulty. Of course, Chouji was just grateful that they had been forced to eat Ino during the last winter, which had been long and bitter, but which made him very, very happy.

When they arrived at the top, they saw a red-haired boy (with a gourd on his back) dancing while sand whirled around him.

"Oh, wow! It's almost like he's ribbondancing! But with sand!" Naruto shrieked happily. "Who are you, who can ribbondance without ribbons?"

The redhead looked over at Naruto. "I am the… Kazekage!"

There were many gasps from the crowd of ANBU.

"Oh, wow!" Naruto said, striding forward. "Well, y'see, I'm the _Hokage_! So… why don't we have some diplomatic discussions or something?"

The Kazekage looked Naruto up and down. "Oh, I'd _love_ to have diplomatic discussions with _you_, Hokage."

Sasuke stepped forward, growling and putting an arm around Naruto's waist, eyes glinting with jealousy. "He's _my_ _Ho_kage. Not yours."

Naruto decided to ignore Sasuke. "Anyway, though, my name's Naruto! What's yours?"

"Gaara."

"Like Gaaraaraaraaraaraaraaraaraarrrrrrr…a?"

Gaara shrugged. "Something like that." He did a small twirl, the sand rising in the air, before continuing. "Soooo… you're seeking the Holy Jutsu, aren't you?"

Naruto's eyes widened. "Yes."

"He probably just read the script, Naruto. It's not like he has uber-cool special powers or anything…" Sasuke grumbled, angry that someone had stolen Naruto's attention from him.

Naruto looked down at his feet nervously, pushing little dirt clods around. "Well… umm… do you know where to find a…"

"A j…." Chouji tried, but failed.

"Juuuuuuuu…" Kakashi wanted to say it, but he was unable.

"Juuuuts…uuuu…" Kiba slowly grunted out, his heart swelling with pride.

"The holy jutsu?" Gaara suggested helpfully.

The ANBU nodded.

"So, umm…"

"Could you please…"

"Pretty please with gumdrops and Reese's pieces and cheddar bay biscuits and sashimi and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies on top…"

Gaara blanched, sticking his tongue out in distaste. "I'll direct you toward it."

Naruto cheered. His ANBU hung several piñatas from the trees and began beating them in celebration. Kakashi threw confetti while reading Icha Icha Paradise.

The Kazekage coughed, causing the abrupt end of all the festivities. "North-south-east of here… is a hole in the wall where women go to try on expensive clothing… the wall of which is covered with the last words of Jay D. Holmsteinberger…"

Naruto stared expectantly at Gaara, wondering if he would get to the point soon.

"And his last words will, of course, reveal to you the location of the great and magnificent Holy Jutsu," Gaara said distractedly, waving his hand around in the air. He turned back to Naruto. "_Soooo_, what are you doing later on tonight?"

"I imagine I'll be following you to the ladies' dressing room."

Gaara smirked. "Sounds good to me."

Sasuke growled. "What? So it's going to be _that_ easy?"

Gaara shook his head. "No. In fact, the ladies' dressing room is guarded by a beast who will tear you limb from limb if you so much as _look at_ the fuzzy alpaca-hair sweaters. Only brave souls should come with me to the ladies' dressing room, because death awaits the faint of heart…"

Chouji shook violently. Thankfully, Ino wasn't there to make fun of him. "…I want my mommy. And an extra-large bag of barbecue chips."

"…With nasty, big, pointy stiletto heels!" Gaara cried dramatically, making exaggerated hand motions that might have been indicative of nasty, big, pointy stiletto heels.

"…Gaara, you're a goofy kid."

(H)(o)(l)(y)

The Naruto-tachi were very tired, so they decided to take a break that didn't happen in the original film! Oh me, oh my! Everyone was sitting around a large campfire, roasting marshmallows and singing kumbayah. Actually, Chouji was the only one doing that. In fact, most people were lazing about—Kakashi was reading Icha Icha Paradise with rapt attention, Kiba was playing fetch with Akamaru, and Naruto… was poking happily at Gaara's calf muscles.

"Oh, _wow_, Gaara! Your calves are so _hard_!"

"Only when _you_ touch them, Naruto," Gaara murmured, a sultry look in his eyes.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I bet my calves are even _harder_ than Gaara's! My calves are so hard… not even diamonds can cut them!" Sasuke cried, imitating a Renaissance man and giving Naruto a nice view of his pretty legs.

"Hn," Gaara said, ignoring Sasuke, putting an arm around Naruto's shoulders. He proceeded to steer Naruto away from the campfire.

"Where are we going, Gaara?" the blonde asked cluelessly.

"Oh… I have to show you something… something really _great_. And big."

"Oh? Well, I know you'd have to be fully clothed to show him anything _big_, wouldn't you, Gaara?"

"What?"

"Oh, you _heard_ what I said!" Sasuke growled, moving into his Jackie Chan stance.

Gaara glared. "So? You can say all you want, but I think Naruto should be the judge of whether what I'm about to show him is large or not." The redhead turned and proceeded to lead a very confused Naruto away.

"W-wait! Don't you go anywhere with _my_ Naruto!" Sasuke yelled, chasing after Gaara.

"_Your_ Naruto?"

Sasuke nodded vehemently. "Yep!" The blonde blushed furiously.

"I don't see the name _SasUKE _tattooed on him anywhere!"

"…That's because _you_ haven't seen him _naked_!" the black-haired Uchiha practically shrieked.

Kiba laughed uproariously. "You haven't seen him naked either, Sas_UKE_!"

Sasuke glared, putting a finger against his lips. "Shh!"

Naruto wisely decided to get out of the way as Gaara and Sasuke continued to squabble.

"Naruto is mine!"

"No! Mine!"

"Bring it, foo'! Bring it!"

The blonde gave a sigh. "I don't know those two…"

(H)(o)(l)(y)

"Behold! The ladies' dressing room!" Gaara said grandly. He had a black eye.

"All right!" Sasuke said, smirking. "I'll go check it out, then!" Sasuke was feeling rather cocky. Before he had taken two steps, however, he was viciously attacked by a frog with bunny ears strapped to its head. Sasuke only barely managed to escape.

"Oh no! The Dreaded Beast of the Ladies' Dressing Room!" Gaara cried, imitating _The Scream_.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me about that before?" Sasuke asked, panting. He'd had to flee very quickly.

"…Forgot," Gaara said with an evil grin.

Sasuke glowered.

"Hey, Kiba… _you're_ good with animals. What do _you_ think we should to about this frog-bunny?" Naruto asked, looking at aforementioned frog-bunny.

"Ooh… I think I have a plan, Hokage!" he declared, before going off bravely to find the materials he'd need to carry out his plan.

Everyone twiddled their thumbs until Kiba returned—his arms laden with frilly, lacy thongs and the kind of panty hose that comes in those little plastic containers.

"We're not going to do fanservice, are we?" Naruto asked, his voice aquiver.

Kiba waved this suggestion off. "No, of course not. The girl writing this scene doesn't like to think about people wearing thongs… so thankfully, we're all saved.

Everyone except Chouji breathed a huge sigh of relief, because Chouji was never really afraid of being forced to wear a thong anyway. He just grabbed a bag of chips from inside his jacket and began munching on them.

Kiba coughed. "Ahem. Now, we shall use these thongs as… SLINGSHOTS! And thus, we shall horribly _SMITE_ yon Dreaded Beast of the Ladies' Dressing Room!"

Everyone cheered, each of them choosing their own frilly pink 'slingshot'.

"…Anybody know how to aim this thing?" Chouji asked, giving his own weapon a bewildered expression.

"I do!" Kakashi yelled, rushing over to help Chouji. The plump ninja sweat-dropped, but didn't bother asking where Kakashi's newfound knowledge had come from. He didn't really think his frail mind could handle the answer.

AN: Read and review, peons! Or Andrew Jackson will come to get you! And he will preach to you about his "hard money" and "union power" and "kill/fire everyone who opposes you!". Mwa. I'm sure it could happen. Yeah.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN:** Wowza! Back again after a bazillion years! ...Yeah, I'm The Rabid Toenail and I didn't write this chapter because I was threatened with the severe beating of my... self. What? So The Great Homicidal Walrus Fairy handled this chapter. W00t. But I'm posting because she doesn't know how to post... bwa ha ha. Please review. And I don't know what number chapter we're on, so pretend that I do. Ha ha. Please review.

Naruto and his ANBU approached a desolate bridge. It appeared to be old and decrepit, not to mention the fact that it covered a terrifying pit that appeared to be bottomless. Despite himself, the leader of the (almost) fearless team was impressed with what he saw.

"Wow! Is that the bridge to the wherever we're supposed to be going?" Naruto asked incredulously. He received nothing but blank, unbelieving stares from his ANBU squad.

"Naruto...aren't you supposed to be the leader of this expedition?" Chouji asked with surprising audacity.

"Yes, yes I am. What of it?"

"He's trying to say that you need to know where we are and what we're doing."

"Really? I thought that was your job, Sasuke! Are you _slacking_?"

"You _know _that I don't have the heart to slack off when _you _tell me to do something, Naru-chan."

"Oh yeah...I forgot about _that._"

Sasuke and Naruto stood for a moment, giving each other what they thought were crafty bedroom eyes.

And then, out of nowhere, Sai appeared and said, "Eew, that's flippin' _gross!_" But then, he disappeared and everyone shouted out randomly, "LAWD HAVE MERCY!"

"Well, that was weird. Who was that lady, anyway?" Kiba asked boredly.

"I think...that was a man," Kakashi replied, equally bored.

"No way! Talk about flippin' gross!" Kiba shouted in an outraged voice, almost as if he thought that Sai was sexy and was disappointed to know that he was a guy, even if he _was_ married to one...Which is absolutely ludicrous, just like that sentence.

"I thought he was HAWT," Naruto interjected eagerly.

"Your face," Sasuke mumbled awkwardly.

"Yes, what about it? I thought you _liked _my face, Sasuke! Have you been cheating on my face with somebody else's face?!

Sasuke stared blankly at Naruto. "Umm...I'm not going to dignify that with a response. _Anyway_, can we just go to that stupid bridge and get this over with?"

"Yeah, I guess that's a'ight," Naruto shrugged.

Sasuke blanched. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Me neither!" Naruto smiled. "Anyway, let's go."

And off they went. Ho-hum. But as they got closer to the bridge, they saw that there was a gross looking man blocking the way of the bridge. As they got even _closer_, they saw it was...Orochimaru! Bum bum bum!

Orochimaru smirked at them and began a cheesy rhyme.

"Those who wish to cross this Orochi-bridge

Must have _virginity_ that they can give

To the wicked Orochi-man

That...in the way of the bridge he stands?"

Everyone stared at Orochimaru awkwardly for a few seconds.

"I just made it up. Great, huh?" He smiled triumphantly.

Everyone stared at him again.

"Right. Well, just give me a virgin and be on your way," Orochimaru said, stealthily glancing over toward Sasuke. Naruto instinctively ran to Sasuke and wrapped his arms around him.

"You can't take _Sasuke_! He's not even a virgin anyway!"

Sasuke put on a surprised face, as if it were news to him.

"Shhh," he whispered harshly, "I'll keep you my _dirty little secret_."

No one paid any attention to this, as they already knew that Sasuke and Naruto had a..._mouth to mouth _relationship. Or in this case, a pe...nevermind.

Orochimaru looked genuinely delighted.

"Oh well. Discuss amongst yourselves—I'll give you a topic: I need a virgin so that I can _eat _him."

"You mean..._sexually?_"

"No..._asexually!_ HA! Ten points to the Orochi-man!"

Tired of the droll conversation, Kakashi decided that the pace needed to be picked up gingerly and handled with care.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be asking us questions? You know, and if we get one wrong, you throw us to our pointy, icky, slimy, painful, gross death?"

Orochimaru, who was at this point boredly licking his own eye with his seven day long tongue, looked at them in slight surprise.

"Do a what now?" he asked with a strange Italian accent.

"Ask us questions," Kakashi said again.

"Fine, but I a get to choose-a the order, because I have-a ten-a points-a!" He still had the accent.

"Stop that! What's wrong with you?!" Naruto yelled rather angrily.

"It's-a me, Orochimario! And I'm-a the one asking questions here!"

"I thought he told you to stop that," Sasuke growled.

"Fine. KIBA!! Answer me some questions! Three!"

"Fine," Kiba replied and moved forward.

"So...Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?" Orochimaru asked slyly.

"No, it'll cost you. A lot."

"Fine. Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nevermind. How are you in bed?"

"Ask Shino, my wife," Kiba answered smugly.

"Okay, get away from me and cross the bridge."

Kiba crossed with aplomb, with cheers of 'Huzzah!' from Naruto.

"Okay," Orochimaru continued," CHOUJI! Get your fat ass over here!"

Angrily, Chouji shuffled over.

"Alright. So...how are you today?" Orochimaru had changed his tone so that he sounded like he was talking to a small mentally challenged child.

"I'm fine, thanks," Chouji said as he took a marble out of his pocket and started to eat it.

"No no, Chouji! Don't eat the marble!" Orochimaru gently chided.

"But Mr. Orochi-man, it's covered in chocolate! And it was in my 'Eat Me' pocket!"

"I don't care! I'm not taking you to the hospital in the middle of our questions!"

"Fine," Chouji said weakly as he spit the marble out of his mouth.

"Good boy. Now, do you fancy kosher hotdogs?"

"Yes. No. I don't know!" As he said those words, green slime came from out of nowhere and covered his head. Afterward, he was thrown screaming and slimy two feet down to his unconsciousness.

"So," Orochimaru smiled, "Kakashi is next."

"Yes, no, no," Kakashi said blandly as he walked forward.

"How did you know the questions?!" Orochimaru asked in shock.

"Sharingan magic."

"Fine. Go ahead, butt-face."

As Kakashi crossed the bridge, Orochimaru called out for Naruto to come forth.

"So, Naruto..."

Orochimaru was staring at his midriff. His sexy, sexy midriff.

"Hey, stare at your own midriff, flab-man!" Naruto hissed. Like a snake, only not, because then there would be two of them. On a plane!

Seemingly distracted by the strange insult of 'flab-man', Orochimaru stood silent for a moment. Seeming to regain his composure, he began to ask the questions.

"So, did it hurt?"

"A little, but I think that the pleasure was TOTALLY worth the pain and discomfort at the beginning…" Naruto kept going on and on about it, and Orochimaru had what seemed like the beginnings of one nasty nose bleed when he had finally had enough.

"Alright! I get it! STOP!!!! Pleeeeease! I can't commit those details to memory fast enough!"

Naruto stopped and looked at him questioningly.

"What details? I was talking about how arduous it is to clean Sasuke's bathroom-- he's such a slob! It's so gross, but once it's clean, I'm so proud of myself that it's worth all of the pain I had to endure cleaning it." At this point, Sasuke had begun to imagine himself far, far away…

"Right, right…so, SECOND QUESTION! …How many ninjas does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"Three! It takes three ninjas to _anything_. Well, at least three… The more the merrier!"

"Wrong! The answer is one, you sexy idiot! Now…into the pit!"

Orochimaru picked Naruto up with his tongue and threw him into the seemingly deep chasm. He landed on top of Chouji, and since the pit is only two feet deep…He was above ground level.

"Aggghh! Help me! Help me!! I'm dying Sasuke, DYING!!!"

"Naruto, open your eyes, you idiot!"

Heeding Sasuke's words, Naruto opened his eyes and saw Sasuke's feet. They were nice feet—well taken care of and all.

"Hey Sasuke, when did you get down here?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Wow Naruto, you're an idiot. Seriously, _look_."

And look he did. And lo and behold, what did he see? Well, what do you see when you open your eyes on Christmas morning? Dirt, some of Chouji's extra fat, and some Sasuke, that's what. And a little Orochimaru, but let's not spoil the holiday cheer.

"Wow, I'm alive!"

"Really? I didn't notice."

Naruto stuck out his tongue, which is dangerous in the presence of Sasuke _and _Orochimaru, who both had to hold themselves back.

The silence, which didn't last very long, was broken by Orochimaru.

"Yeah…this is pretty lame. You guys can just pass…I'ma go home to Kabuto. Or as _I _like to call him, Kabu-_poop_. Ha! Another ten points to me, the OROCHI-MAN!!!"

Running around in circles with his arms spread open, Orochimaru giggled a little, then ran off in some classified direction to the Hidden Sound, shouting "OROCHI-MAN, AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!" all the while.


End file.
